The food of love

2007-03-03T12:31:00.000+02:00

Virgins of the CornThere was a very interesting story in the Swazi News a week ago, an account of a traditional practice revived in Hhelehhele by Chief Mnikwa. What happened was that an army of army worms (caterpillars) had been feeding on the chief’s mealies and veggies, so he asked local schools to release over a hundred and fifty maidens for the weekend. The girls turned up at the chief’s

2007-02-10T14:41:00.000+02:00

Feb 14February 14th, Valentine’s Day, is one of those days that mark our lives, one of those annual events—like Birthdays and Christmas—that should sparkle like bright lights on the calendars of our biographies. After all, Feb 14 comes every year without fail and once we are old enough to appreciate it we know that we can’t miss it. But so many of us these days have such messed-up relationships

2007-02-03T10:24:00.000+02:00

‘Huh?’Let me tell you why I most probably won’t be buying an iPod, or any other mp3 player, even though I think they’re stylish, contain amazing technology , and love them. At a crowded table in a crowded restaurant recently I watched a man who was ignoring everyone else at his table, his head full of the personal demons pumping from his portable mp3 player. His ears were plugged, his eyes were

2007-02-03T10:20:00.000+02:00

Super Bowl stadium site hacked, seeded with exploits by ZDNet's Ryan Naraine -- The official Web site of Dolphin Stadium, home of Sunday's Super Bowl XLI, has been hacked and seeded with exploit code targeting two known Windows security flaws. In the attack, which was discovered by malware hunters at Websense Security Labs, the server hosting the site was breached and a link to a malicious

2007-01-20T13:37:00.000+02:00

Three Princesses at Incwala 2006-2007

2007-01-20T13:24:00.000+02:00

What do we learn?With SCOT being closed for repairs, the OVCs still a hot issue, the IGCSE minefield still not completely navigated and the opening of schools put back for a further week, now is perhaps the time to ask why we bother with public education at all—what is the purpose of education? Why do we bother ourselves so much about schools? In fact, why do we bother at all? Surely even without

2007-01-06T14:10:00.000+02:00

Smart theology, poor Christianity(A letter to the Times Sunday, and my response to the letter)SirThank you for the invitation to respond to Ken Rowley and his article 'Smart Move, Poor Theology.'I agree that Pastor Justice has poor theology in some areas.However I have occasionally read Mr Rowley’s articles and from them I have to say he has smart theology but no Christianity!He has openly stated

2007-01-06T14:07:00.000+02:00

Some reader responses (Jan07): What Ken is saying is very true, Pastor Justice should humble himself and go to bible school. His books should be introspected by theologians before sellers. For him to work alone is unhealthy.He must try to be open and simple (akhulumiseke), and give advice to other pastors like Maseko, Jeremiah, Thwala to go to bible school and they should check their theology,

2007-01-06T13:54:00.000+02:00

Smart move, poor theologyApparently there was a big fuss over one of Pastor Justice’s articles a little while back; I see now that he has joined the church crew who are writing and promoting their own books. Though classified as ‘Religion’ or ‘Self-help’, these books should really be placed on the fiction shelves, for it is clear these evangelists have lost the plot. The basic idea is that we

2006-12-16T11:44:00.000+02:00

Chowing the cows…I’m sure you all saw the picture of the cow on Wednesday. It was a shameful photograph. That poor, abused cow should have had its face covered in the paper—I mean, first you are abused and then, as a rape victim, your face is splashed across the front page of the national newspaper… But seriously, did the man propose love to the cow first, something like, ‘Eh, sisi, ngitsandza

2006-12-02T13:44:00.000+02:00

The heart is nakedThis week I got angry, which is rather rare for me. My anger was a response to photographs, a news report, and a comment which appeared in the daily Times under the headline, ‘Wife-to-be bolts naked’. The photograph of men holding the woman’s arms was enough to anger me, but the captions underneath the photos irritated me even more: ‘married woman refuses to be tekaed’, ‘a woman

2006-11-11T12:15:00.000+02:00

Rubber stamps no longerAt last, at last, change has come at last. This week the unthinkable happened—the MPs refused to remain callously indifferent to the plight of the nation’s elders and declared that it would no longer be business as usual (or rather no business as usual). In ushering out the minister and his pointless and worthless statement of more words guaranteed to fool no-one, the MPs

2006-10-28T14:34:00.000+03:00

A disgrace!The government should be thoroughly ashamed of itself to even think of saying that there is no money to pay bogogo, the elderly, let alone actually declare such a thing. We can all see that there was money to pay MPs a fat increase, there was money to squander on the E50 million sham, there are enough millions to let slip through all of our fingers every month, and there is plenty of

2006-10-07T13:16:00.000+03:00

Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?Have you ever noticed how many babies there are in Swaziland? I mean, yes, HIV/AIDS is knocking us out, but the baby boom doesn’t appear to have slowed down at all. Swaziland is still assembly-line baby-making. But that is not surprising; in fact, it’s pretty natural. In this very hot summer heat, post-Reed Dance, breasts are blooming and hips are

2006-09-30T11:39:00.000+03:00

Reed dressingThis is a long article about a rather short thing…In the days leading up to Umhlanga, the Reed Dance, and certainly for many weeks after it, there were many voices saying that tradition is good but it is time that some things were changed. In particular, there were many who said that the days of indlamu should be over. According to these critics, the girls’ traditional skirt is just

2006-09-23T12:25:00.000+03:00

The biggest lieThe Gospel of Thomas, Saying 56: Jesus said: ‘Whoever knows the world has found a carcass, and when he has found a carcass, the world is not worthy of him.’The spirit of the world is all about getting things, owning things, possessing things, and we have carried this attitude of consumerism into our relationships, into the very heart of our personal lives. We have come to think

2006-09-16T13:03:00.000+03:00

Our poet laureateThere was an alarming article in the Times daily this week, reporting that some Literature teachers are afraid of the new IGCSE exam because poetry is compulsory and they hate poetry. I’ve long been aware that many literature teachers run away from teaching poetry and that their fear of poems is passed onto their pupils. Yet I also know that the schools who love poetry are the

2006-09-09T14:14:00.000+03:00

2006-09-09T12:06:00.000+03:00

Reed ShakingLast week I wrote about the reeds of Umhlanga, which reminded me that the tradition in this part of the world is that God created the first people from reeds. That article then reminded me of a saying in the Coptic Gospel of Thomas:Saying 78: Jesus said, ‘Why have you come out to the countryside? To see a reed shaken by the wind? And to see a person dressed in soft clothes like your

2006-09-02T14:34:00.000+03:00

Reed Dancing I was sitting at home this week watching the kombies and open-backed lorries go past, cram-full of excited singing girls on their way to umhlanga, and thinking, ‘Yes, it’s that time again.’ Tomorrow the public and plenty of tourists will be watching these girls, along with thousands of others, dance and dance and dance until the excitement is in everybody’s heads and

2006-08-26T13:37:00.000+03:00

This is nowhere Without a vision the people perish Recently I finally cracked the country’s entertainment code and understood the true nature of the beast—just why the nation is awash with DJs and Crusades and yet everyone complains that there is no entertainment. It’s because this is nowhere. You see, it’s like this: come the weekend

2006-08-17T18:51:00.000+03:00

Pissing on the public How do you demonstrate a lack of respect for yourself? How about by unzipping your trousers and dangling your donger in front of everyone? The other day I was walking through the bus rank in town. I hadn’t got very far before the stink of pee hit me. ‘This is disgusting,’ I said to myself, ‘don’t people know how to use toilets?’ I veered away from the smell—and

2006-08-10T18:37:00.000+03:00

The Gospel of Judas I’ve recently been reading the Gospel of Judas—mainly because people have been asking for my views on the document. This ancient text is fairly new as far as scholars are concerned, since it was only recovered as recently as 1971, and the fact that we have it at all is pretty amazing. With all the current buzz surrounding lost books

2006-08-09T19:29:00.000+03:00

Apocalypse now This week, when strong winds were howling like banshees along the ridges of Swaziland’s mountains, it was easy to believe that the world is heading for an apocalypse. Certainly the pub-pundits and media-watchers have been arguing that the end is coming—‘Israel will trigger it’, ‘Muslims are looking for it’, The price of oil is getting so high that soon we’ll all be

2006-07-29T13:35:00.000+03:00

Review--Eagles live in Melbourne DVD (Farewell 1 Tour)This is currently the world's second-best-selling music dvd and has been enthusiastically reviewed by critics and buyers alike. But is it really that good? As a lifetime Eagles fan (I first saw them live as long ago as 1972/3) my praise is subdued. Is it my favourite Eagles concert? No: my favourite is their 1975 'Midsummer Music' appearance

2006-07-29T12:59:00.000+03:00

Plan B vs Eminem A few years ago, one of my daughters told me, ‘Dad, you’re an English teacher, so you must like Eminem because he’s amazing the way he uses words.’ Well, yes. And not only me. All writers must appreciate Eminem’s art (even if they don’t like it). The Nobel-prize-winning poet Seamus Heaney garnered international media attention when, unexpectedly, he referred to Eminem in a

2006-07-21T18:10:00.000+03:00

Clothes of temptationThere’s an interesting verse in the bible that warns against cross-dressing: Deuteronomy 22:5: A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this (NIV). Unfortunately, the verse doesn’t define exactly what clothing is male and which is female. Traditionalists in Swaziland have in the past used the verse to

2006-07-21T17:53:00.000+03:00

Hawks in L.A.I've discovered a new band, one worth getting excited about. Ok, ok, they've just released their 3rd album already, so I've discovered them a little late--but I do live in Swaziland, after all. The band is I see hawks in L.A., and I found out about them because of an album review I chanced to see in an issue of UNCUT magazine. It was a small review, but what caught my eye was the

2006-07-15T15:24:00.000+03:00

Intelligent laws You know how some people can get. Last week I argued that homosexuality is wrong because the practice is a design fault, that male and female are a product of intelligent design but that male-male and female-female aren’t. One of the responses I received personally was that I’m ‘healthily homophobic’ (‘homophobia’ means having an irrational hatred or fear of homosexuals or

2006-07-08T11:44:00.000+03:00

A perfectly designed picture?I was talking to a man some months ago who said he couldn’t stomach the notion of Intelligent Design, because to him it was just a clever name for Creationism, and as a Marxist he didn’t believe in Creationism because that would mean that there was a God, and, he said, ‘I can’t believe that there is a God’.I remembered that conversation because of two North American

2006-06-23T17:41:00.000+03:00

Today, just beyond the cusp of midwinter, the wisp of spring begins to slowly throb and pulse through the Swazi soil, rising up through the trees and spreading through the air to give us new strength for the brighter days ahead.

2006-06-17T13:03:00.000+03:00

Mobile coffinsYes, I know this is the same title as an article written some years ago by Vusi Ginindza—I still remember him writing it; and yes, I know that that article was so hotly received that a vigilante mob of busmen descended on these same Times offices, aiming to add injury to injury; and, yes, I also know that much ink has already been spilt about the recent bus crashes: but it seems to

2006-06-10T13:41:00.000+03:00

SEASONSWhy do you sleep with women?The world today looks winter-dead, weighted down by white hardness of frost and threatened snow, but looks aren’t everything. Beneath, below, inside, within, sap still rises; green shoots gather, cluster, tendril and crouch to bloom. There’s a spring in my veins and a summer in my heart. But being here and now takes all my art. The surface stillness belies the

2005-01-15T17:16:00.000+02:00

The gal in question

2005-01-15T13:54:00.000+02:00

Jessica White Nathi Gule, the entertainment editor at the Times of Swaziland, has discovered a very pretty woman by the name of Jessica White--her pictures appeared in a swimsuit edition of USA's 'Sports Illustrated'--and, as usual with red-blooded males around the world, Jessica's picture is now a much-admired computer wallpaper.

2005-01-14T17:39:00.000+02:00

Warren Sexsmith's 'Beautiful Survivor' Found a new singer-songwriter on the web who reminds me of Jackson Browne, a long time favourite. The new boy is a Canadian, Warren Sexsmith (a gal friend remarked, 'what a name'!), and his song, 'Beautiful Survivor'is a good-feel number, reminding me of when I first heard Poco's 'Good feelin'to know'for the first time. (It's a good feelin'to know that

2005-01-08T13:50:00.000+02:00

Catwoman, the movie I've been a fan of comics and comic art since I was a boy, so I took time out these holidays to watch Spiderman 1 & 2 and Catwoman. The spidey films were ok, but I wouldn't want to see them too often; Catwoman I could easily see again though. Why? After all, most critics rubbished the film. Well, of course the film is silly--how can anyone take a cartoon character like

2005-01-01T13:50:00.000+02:00

It's hot and humid under the southern cross--we're talking 40 degree heat here--and I've been here and around, up-and-down, in-and-out, to Botswana amd Mozambique and South Africa and now back in Swaziland. One thing you always learn from such a round and curvaceous tour is that every country has its own pretty young things and attractive older ones too. People are always a joy to meet and know

2004-04-08T19:17:00.000+03:00

The eve of Good Friday Where the sausage meets the cabbage and the mayonnaise is always hot... this evening we're eating in the restaurant of love. Tonight's selection a la carte? Tasty la Vita. I'm thinkin of lickin th chicken down in the valley of heaven (that's eZulwini for all you non-Swazis out there).

2004-04-03T16:22:00.000+03:00

Women! There seems to be some invisible but inexorable law working against we men in the cosmos. Consider this: a woman keeps calling you and mailing you and telling you how she loves you and misses you and wants to spend time with you. You're busy, and you have other coals in the fire, but you decide to make some time and you meet this woman in town. The two of you go for a walk, but every phone

2002-08-17T16:19:00.000+03:00

Trouble with a capital T You can tell from the way she walks; you can tell from the way she talks: she’s a man-eater, trouble with a capital T. She’s too friendly, too willing, too easy for your company: she’s a man-eater, trouble with a capital T. She’s a piece of skirt who loves to flirt, don’t ever think that she can’t hurt: she’s a heart-breaker, a heart-forsaker, a heart-acher, and yours is

2002-03-28T08:49:00.000+02:00

Drinking Smirnoff on the road to Smyrna Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. With some ladies the first moment should also be the last, but we linger too long and find ourselves in trouble. "Ice, ice, baby, Smirnoff Ice: that's the only way to go." That's the way we go on the rutted road to Smyrna.

2002-03-22T10:11:00.000+02:00

Plugging into the house of spirits In Swaziland there are many tinyanga and tangoma, what the West call witchdoctors. Though the tinyanga, strictly, are herbalists, almost all practitioners have some intimate connection with the spirit world, not least because being chosen by the spirits is usually the reason to pursue such a profession. The spirit hut is the indumba, a house of spirits. But a

2002-03-16T16:41:00.000+02:00

No after She looked like a barrel rolling on the open sea, half-clothed, full drunk, and buoyantly salty. Could I a barnacle be? No, sweetheart, not me. This was no mermaid calling sweetly. This was a call to the rocks, the rock and roll that hulls and wrecks. No, boy, that wasn't me. A breast half-exposed, a thigh for the open road, she was as washed-up as washed-up could be. Did she love me? No

2002-03-16T14:44:00.000+02:00

A bleary night last night. After working at the newspaper I went to town for a glass of red wine. A few chicks called but there was one, Bonile, that I particularly wanted to see, so I hung fire. Eventually, against my better judgement I went down the valley and to the MTN park. Great fun. From there to Paradiso, a cute trio, and home early early--about three a.m.

2002-03-09T19:02:00.000+02:00

Paradise Regained A few glasses of beer give you amazing insight: you notice women who move like spiders and men who speak nothing but air. On the other hand, my girlfriend's legs look sexier than ever and her butt is Dante's Paradise Regained.

2002-02-28T09:04:00.000+02:00

Holy Days Holidays are Holy Days! School half-term begins at one o' clock today, the weather is fine, and all I'm doing this morning is teaching my favourite Bill text, Twelfth Night. [The 'Bill' bit is not just a diminutive for William Shakespeare, but also acknowledges 16th Century playbills.] If music be the food of love, play on... I'm hungry today, with an appetite as wide as the sea,

2002-02-27T09:50:00.000+02:00

Flying Women are such flighty creatures that God must have been uncertain when he made them. Or maybe God was literally in two minds at that moment; or maybe there were even two gods: what does the ancient text say, Male and female they made them in God's image. In any case, thinking was in terms of the two, of the composite, of the pair that maketh one (and the one who maketh another one, and

2002-02-25T08:10:00.000+02:00

Red Shoes Actually, no, I’ve never owned a pair of red shoes although I did see an attractive pair in Rome once that I later regretted not buying. My first-ever suit was of blue, crushed velvet though, and I do remember something about some purple satin trousers… The poet Adrian Henri once wrote a line about loving a woman more than all his red leather waistcoats, and when I first read it I was

2002-02-22T12:52:00.000+02:00

Pillow Talk I was visiting the other night, checking how the cookies crumbled--warmly and with perspiration, as it turned out. You can have your biscuits and eat them too. A corker of a cassette was baking in the basket, a recording of Pillow Talk, a Hong Kong late-night radio show. With plenty of ying and a little yang, yong, the dough was ready to go. I was reminded of Utamaro. The man had

2002-02-20T09:28:00.000+02:00

Watching Craig David's Off the hook DVD, I was impressed by his sense of awe--the little asides and touches that convey his feeling that success was unexpected and still a dream. He speaks of receiving a phone call from Puff Daddy, of how fast everything has happened and how far he has come; there are cute touches such as the info that he was the goalie in the school's football team. His

2002-02-19T10:01:00.000+02:00

A psychotic woman in a town bar reminded me of Olivia in Twelfth Night, 'Tis not that time of month in me to make so skipping a dialogue'. Like Malvolio, she smiled so, seemed on heat and replied so oddly. I don't know if the moon is going through a phase at the moment or if Valentine fever is stalking abroad like a contagious illness or if my pheromones are bursting out like ripened buds.

2002-02-15T10:31:00.000+02:00

Valentine's Day was for me long and exhausting but there was still plenty of buzz. Friends buzzed me, SMSs were flying down the wires, and everywhere ladies were dressed in red. Valentine's Day is big here, almost a national celebration--at least it is a fashionable urban one. Out for a meal after work at the Royal Swazi Sun, I discovered the restaurants busy and couples everywhere: good to see

2002-02-12T09:55:00.000+02:00

(The local SPUR steakhouse restaurant has a Tex-Mex night every Tuesday, and their advertising for it trumpets the phrase, Fire up your tastebuds.) Hey, I wanna taste your firebuds: ladies' rump is on my menu tonight. All right! Outasight! Turn the lights down low; we're jammin', pumping up the jam, letting all the dogs out. Slow jams, fast jams, Lady Marmalade: always sticky and sweet. Tap your

2002-02-10T12:29:00.000+02:00

If music be the food of love, play on... this is Valentine week, but R & B, kwaito, rap and reggae (urban Swaziland's favourites) have been muscled aside on my player by a new CD I just bought: the Byrds live at the Fillmore in 1969 (Sony CK 65910; www.legacyrecordings.com). This recording was released for the first time only a couple of years ago, and I had to order it: it's not the kind of